Tips
Coping with four children under six
Monday, June 30th, 2008The last few months have been busy, tiring, sore and fun. But mostly busy. If I am crazy to have had so many children so close together, I am at least loving every minute of it (OK, maybe not the 3am ones) and somehow I make it through the days without losing my mind. Or a child. Matthew even went to the US for two weeks when Edward was only six weeks old and I survived! But I will say that the experience made me stronger - in the same way that bullying can be considered character building.
I homeschool in the mornings, mostly with the giant leech attached to my boob. If I’m lucky, Matthew is not away and will have made me a coffee before he goes to work and that can make the difference between a good day and a day when I am a crumpled heap in the corner when he gets home. In the afternoons we venture out to a variety of responses ranging from evil looks and lots of tsking/’why aren’t your children in school today?’ to ‘you’ve got your hands full!’ to big smiles and ‘oh you lucky thing! aren’t they lovely?’ I play little games with myself as to what I think the next person will say while I shepherd the children down the pavement of the busy road and try to remember that I must not let my mind wander for one second because somehow I have sole charge of four small children, three of whom are on the loose, and I AM EXPECTED TO KEEP THEM ALIVE.
In my sleep deprived state, it’s easy to forget that bit sometimes. Hell, I have trouble remembering to put all my clothes on before I leave the house, I’m not sure I should be trusted with anything as important as children.
I do grocery shopping online and other very important computer-related activities (which may or may not be blog reading - just sayin’) every evening, all evening while the baby feeds himself into a coma and thence to bed. Somehow, in between all this daily fun, I manage to stack the dishwasher twice and do about three loads of laundry, make 26 meals or snacks and occasionally sit down with a cup of tea.
My mother comes one day a week to help and on that day I am able to catch up with the backlog of chores and laundry and have one meal each week without the baby in my arms. Matthew cooks on the weekend and I freeze leftovers that I can reheat during the week. Without this help the house would look like the apocolypse had hit and the only thing left? - the bones of our emaciated bodies. And the mountain of dirty laundry.
Some days there is too much crying and way too many tantrums but I have learnt that they don’t get me anything. (Just kidding! I’m referring to the children of course.) The worst time of day is suppertime when the baby is at his most tired and hungry and I have the most to do. I have had to buy a sling for the velcro-baby/giant-leech because there is a limit to how much I can do with one arm and the rest of us need to eat. The children get bathed less often than I would like and the bedsheets changed even less than that. I try to set myself no more than one thing to get accomplished on those days when I am doing this parenting gig by myself. Sometimes this is something as over-achieving as leaving a message on a friend’s answerphone to let them know I am still alive. Sometimes this is still overdoing it because I can’t even remember who it is I’m phoning by the time I get to leaving a message. Which adds to the kind of crazy woman tag that I am cultivating right now.
But if I make it to the end of the day with everyone tucked up safely in their (dirty) beds and my sanity intact, I’m happy. Aim low: that’s my advice.
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Posted in Tips, Daily Life
Sibling rivalry and a new baby
Wednesday, February 21st, 2007‘Come and meet your new brother.’
‘Don’t want to.’
‘He’s brought you a present.’
‘Wow, what is it? It’s Diesel! Look Mummy, it’s Diesel! I LOVE my new baby.’
And so began the love affair between my eldest two children.
Sally asked me about how best to minimise sibling rivalry when a new baby joins the family. I’m not the best person to ask because when my second son was born I was a) in the process of moving house (very stressful) and b) almost certainly suffering pre-partum depression which would eventually become full-blown post-partum depression. This was not the best start I could have given either of them to each other. However I have done it twice now and all three of my children seem relatively well-adjusted so I will share my thoughts here:
1) talk to your child about the new baby as soon as it is likely to have an impact on his life. So if you are suffering severe morning sickness it might do to tell him right away - children hate secrets and their imaginations can go into overdrive. ‘Mummy’s sicking but don’t worry the baby’s not coming out of her mouth,’ my eldest would say knowledgeably to strangers, but at least I knew he wasn’t worrying about why I was being so sick. Otherwise you might like to wait until your bump starts to show. I also bought a baby boy doll and carried this around for a while whilst pregnant. I felt very stupid. But when William arrived I’m not sure if Harry actually noticed the difference between him and the doll.
2) involve them in the preparation for the baby ie the baby’s nursery. All the manuals say this but as we never had a nursery it was a bit of a stretch to expect Harry to be interested in the exact placement of the Moses basket beside my bed.
3) get a routine - and stick to it - before, during and after the birth as much as possible. Don’t start moving your child’s bed, being stricter, starting at a new nursery etc. Nothing to add here except that the arrangements for while you are in hospital can be worrying for everyone. Some say explain it all, have a dry run etc. I took the cheat’s way and told Harry the day before that his grandma would be coming to look after him and I would see him in hospital. I’ll only know if this scarred him for life when he enters therapy as an adult.
4) when your child visits you in the hospital there are two crucial steps. One, when your child arrives, ask your partner to look after the baby while you spends a few minutes with your child. And two, a small present from the baby for any siblings can make the whole introduction thing go much more smoothly. This has an added benefit of keeping them from tearing up and down the hospital hallways from boredom too.
5) when you get home try to spend a few minutes with each older sibling while someone else looks after the baby. They don’t really care about your new bundle of joy - at least not yet. They want you. Over the next few days and weeks, spend as much time as you can alone with them. Some days this may be next to nothing. Other days the baby may sleep for several hours and you will get time with your older child AND time for a cup of tea. At that moment you will feel almost as good as you did on those luxury vacations you used to take pre-children.
6) your child will look so big. If they are still in nappies their bum will look huge compared with your baby’s scrawny bottom. Although I’m sure that, after all the joys of childbirth, bleeding, sleep-deprivation and so on in the hospital, you will cope with this one. Not sure what this has to do with sibling rivalry but I thought you would appreciate this important heads-up.
7) when visitors come, have a small present ready to give your older child if the visitor only brings a gift for the baby. Let the visitor hold the baby while you cuddle your child.
Eight) as the days go on your child may want to ‘help’ with bathing, fetching, feeding, in which case cancel the nanny and let them go for it. Most likely though the jealousy will get worse. Mine wanted to throw things at me while I fed the baby and then they would hit him while I burped him. Be firm but low key if your older child is aggressive. Never leave them alone together. I’ve never heard of a baby being smothered by their older sibling giving them a ‘hug’ but I bet we all tried it when we were children.
9) Regression - wanting to be the baby again - is common. Baby them. It doesn’t last. Pretend they’re twins and remind yourself that in a few weeks you will, thankfully, only have one baby again.
10) On a practical level, have a safe place where you can put the baby out of harm’s way from other children and pets. If you have three or more children you will be repeatedly distracted and the baby needs somewhere safe when you have to leave the room. Even if it is just to pee.
11) Get sleep whenever, wherever you can. The more sleep you get, the less stressful everything will feel. A newborn is exhausting. Older children can be very demanding. The two together can be overwhelming. Accept help and offers of a chance to nap.
And despite writing all that, I still want to have another and go through all that fun. Stay tuned for my thoughts on another baby!
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Posted in Tips, Babies
Three children under five
Monday, February 19th, 2007All last year I had three children under five. And no help. I must have been mad.
This year I have three children under six. And none of them in school. I should probably be certified.
Emily e-mailed me and asked me how I coped with three children under five. Emily, if you still plan on having that third child, LOOK AWAY NOW. It could get nasty.
Three children under five is very hard work, I won’t kid you. But I’m also not the only mother to, rather foolishly, get pregnant so many times so quickly. So, you know, most of the time I just get on with it. That’s the trouble with three under five: there’s not really time to sit down and reflect on the foolishness of my actions. From dawn you are up with the baby, even though you haven’t really been asleep, at all, through the night. His nappy has probably leaked - if you’re lucky it’s just wee and you can just whip all the wet clothes off the miserably cold baby and redress (hopefully ignoring the fact that there are no clean clothes because you didn’t have time to do the laundry yesterday because you were busy changing him ten times), if you’re unlucky it’s the other and the whole baby-and-clothes ensemble requires washing (if pressed for time, I’ve been known to do this under the running bath tap) - the toddler needs dressing because he is too tired to do it himself, even though he has been asleep for the last twelve hours (and the thought of twelve hours sleep makes you giddy with longing), the preschooler is on strike because the clothes you have put out are ‘not cool enough’ and thus the day begins.
Preschool mornings are always fun because there’s the added joy of having to get everyone dressed, fed, into the car, and going somewhere by a set time. My rule is this: I never, ever, go out without make-up (the only day since Ben was born that I have been out without make-up was the day after my dog died and that’s only because no amount of slap would have made me look any better with all that crying). This only happens without fail every day because of the Three Under Five Rule which states that at least once every single morning in my house, all three children will be crying simultaneously, which in turn means I can ignore them all so as not to show any favouritism, and instead I can make myself look presentable. Some days I only get as far as deoderant, hairbrushing and lipstick but it always counts as a victory. Who said mothers had to aim low?
To cope with three small children I have learnt to perfect the art of slacker-parenting. This has been hard given my Type-A tendencies but it was either that or lose my mind a bit more than I already had. Although hardly worthy of parent hacks, here nevertheless are my top ten tips (and I use the word ‘tip’ very loosely):
1) use clean dishes from the dishwasher during the day until it is nearly empty then there is less to unload before restacking it. If, like me, you can’t bear the thought of all those dirty dishes on the side all day, pretend they are a statement about your lack of interest in domestic issues in favour of superior parenting skills.
2) I do three loads of laundry everyday. I would willingly pay someone to do this full time for me. If I haven’t got time to put the children’s clean clothes away I put them on top of their dresser and use them from there. I tumble dry everything I can, which doesn’t sit well with my environmental principles but, you know, the sanity and everything. When my washing machine broke down for three weeks after the baby was born, I realised how much washing I could get away without doing. The children’s clothes always look dirty once breakfast is over anyway. (Sadly, I’m back to my old ways because I can’t help myself so three loads a day it is.)
3) small children do not need a bath everyday. If I thought it would help, I might not actually bath them for an entire week but it so happens that bathtime is one of the few times each day when they are happy, contained and not fighting so I haven’t implemented the only-one-bath-a-week-is-necessary rule yet. In the summer when there is more skin contact with mud and sand, I get the children to clean off in the paddling pool before supper and then I use a baby wipe on dirty feet at bedtime.
4) at least once every week we get a clear plastic bag (snip small holes in the bottom because inevitably one child will put it over their head) and go out on a nature walk. We put things we find (obviously I’m thinking twigs, leaves and moss rather than litter or used condoms) in the bags, bring them back an hour or two later and spend another hour or two sticking them in books, coloring them, painting them, photographing them or ripping them to tiny pieces all over the kitchen floor. My children love this and they never seem to get bored of it. With any luck the baby will sleep the entire way. And hopefully everyone will sleep the entire night with exhaustion.
5) leftovers, batches of frozen food, slow-cooker recipes and a breadmaker all make life easier. My worst nightmare involves a cranky baby at five o’clock and no idea what to cook for supper. Macaroni cheese, spaghetti bolognese, baby curry, fish fingers, good quality organic chicken nuggets and frozen veg are always in my freezer for days when proper cooking is beyond me. Fresh fruit, yoghurts, good quality vanilla custard or ice cream, fromage frais, frozen berries, tinned fruit and brioche are instant puddings.
6) my three concessions to having small children are employing a cleaner two hours a week to clean the visible parts of the house (dusting, vacuuming, bathrooms), tumble drying all my laundry and having my groceries delivered. I figure these are cheaper than paying for childcare. And definitely cheaper than therapy.
7) half an hour before suppertime the children get ‘golden time’ or ’special play time’. They can do whatever they want which generally means watch a DVD, play on the computer or play playstation - things they are not normally allowed to do during the day. Before they get to do it though they have to tidy up all their toys. So by suppertime I have a tidy house and two quiet, occupied children while I cook. If they behave well during the day they can gain five minutes of playtime. If they do something naughty (hitting, kicking and so on) they lose five minutes of playtime.
eight) create a supper club. Take turns to entertain as many children for supper as you can - you’re cooking anyway, right? You get a night off when it is not your turn. And with any luck your host will crack open a bottle of wine and you won’t care about the ear-splitting noise from so many children in one house at the witching hour.
9) have a night-time survival kit. In each child’s room have a drink, a sick bowl, a box of tissues, nappies, wipes, and a clean set of pyjamas and sheets. When they were a bit younger my children had two sets of sheets including waterproof undersheets on their beds and a spare duvet in their dresser to save everyone stumbling about semi-conscious in the dark if sheets needed changing.
10) invest in a visible alarm clock. We have this Bunny Alarm Clock*. Bribe or threaten your preschooler to stay in bed until the bunny is awake. Nothing worse than getting the baby back to sleep after being awake half the night and then being woken twenty minutes later by your bright, bouncing three or four year old. This worked well for us until a few months ago but nothing seems to keep my older two in bed these days, possibly because they are sharing a room and there is too much incentive to wake up when your partner in crime is sleeping in the next bed.
And my final top tip? Blog or surf the internet while you feed the baby. I suggest you come here and read about my lack of domestic and parenting skills and you will feel instantly like you are coping better than me.
*(I’m sure I hardly need to point this out, but if you need to see my policy on Transparent Blogging click here.)
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Posted in Tips, Under Fives