Other Mothers
No need for small talk
Wednesday, September 19th, 2007My best friend spots me coming up the driveway and throws me a sympathetic look. Unusually, I have a bedraggled, just-got-out- of-the-shower look, I’m running late and am clearly not doing well this morning as I impatiently cajole my three wayward children towards the house.
‘Sick in your hair again?’ she asks without preamble.
I nod, knowing that only a best friend would spot the subtleties of this mother not doing so well. And knowing that she will continue to offer support in the way only a best friend does.
Which for now means doing laundry and making meals. But which mostly means that she will be round with the bottles of wine as soon as I can drink again.
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Posted in Other Mothers
Being a stay at home mother is/is not hard
Tuesday, August 21st, 2007I don’t care what anyone says: my job as a stay-at-home-mother is really hard sometimes.
The baby cried from about two o’clock this morning onwards and when light finally appeared it was obvious why when I saw this around his mouth: an allergic reaction to something he ate yesterday (although I’ve no idea what)
and he is as miserable as sin today.
Because I was awake half the night I threw up three times before breakfast and now feel sick and have an almighty headache which I cannot take anything for. I want to be in bed but there is no-one to look after the children. My BFF is away on holiday, along with most of the residents of our village so I have no emergency backup.
It is the middle of August and the weather is like this:
and the kids are going stir-crazy.
The baby has decided to start screaming. All day, every day. For fun.
Because of all this I feel really isolated at the moment.
Round where I live most of us are SAHMs by choice. Most of us appreciate having time to spend with our children. I chose to be an SAHM and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But it is sometimes hard.
What would my day have been like if I had been working today? I would have had to hand over my tired, allergic, overly-attached baby and older children to their caregiver and make my way, fighting back the tears, to work. I would have spent a tired, stressful day or maybe a productive day with colleagues and friends, maybe with a lousy boss, maybe with someone who congratulated me on some good work, maybe had a nice lunch with friends, maybe a moment around the coffee machine to talk about something grown-up, maybe throwing up (always easier at home), still suffering a headache. I would have been paid. Then having to leave late and in a hurry to make it in time to pick up the children. They are tired, over-stimulated, needing time with me. After they are in bed, I start on the chores.
My day at home was easier in many ways. The time I spend with my children is invaluable. Still, I slave all day doing repetitive chores, preparing food, cleaning up, preparing activities, teaching, clearing up, refereeing fights, applying ice to bumps, reading stories, changing nappies and clothes without any sense of having achieved anything tangible. I also sacrifice certain things so we can live on one income.
But the things that make it hard are not necessarily these things. I feel isolated and under-appreciated being at home. I often feel lonely despite having a good support network. The ‘work’ aspect of being a SAHM is repetitive and boring. I don’t feel like I am contributing anything to anyone outside of the house. I don’t feel valued by society or by the economy. I worry about how I will get back into a career after such a long break. I worry about how little I am likely to be paid compared to my colleagues when I do return. When my first baby was born there were other feelings (which have now passed): a feeling of ’shock’ over the whole baby thing, a sense that I was totally and utterly on my own looking after this new, helpless creature but particularly a loss of identity, a sense that I was not so much me as someone’s mother.
These are not new arguments. Motherhood is hard in different ways for different mothers. I have phases where I am swimming and other phases where I am sinking. All I ask is that others don’t judge what my days are like. Especially today.
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Posted in Stay at Home Mother, Other Mothers
Too busy
Wednesday, February 28th, 2007Already weary from a morning which has had to be planned with military precision, the mother queues for a parking spot in the crowded car park. Toddlers and pre-schoolers dart between cars while their impatient mothers gather lunchboxes and hats.
Forced to the furthest point in the car park she unloads the children and then swings the baby onto her hip. She hands them their lunchboxes whilst simultaneously shepherding them away from oncoming cars and then, balancing the baby precariously, picks up a toddler car seat awkwardly in each hand and they set off up the long driveway to the nursery. A million and one mothers swarm up and down the driveway - her prize for being on time, she thinks with relief, for someone will offer to help. Every few steps she stops and readjusts the baby slipping from the crook of her arm or swaps the seats - designed without handles for carrying, she thinks with irritation - from one hand to the other. It won’t matter though because any second somebody will offer to help.
‘Morning.’ ‘You’ve got your hands full.’ Mothers pass her going the other way, rushing off to work, to the gym, to something more pressing. Clearly no time to spare. Other mothers pass by her. She puts the seats down for a second before the baby falls. Should she stop someone and ask for help? she wonders. Surely somebody will offer to help.
She reaches the entrance last. The lobby is crowded with chattering mothers, busy with gossip. Catching her breath, she turns and sees cars already filtering out of the car park. The sun blinds her for a few seconds, suspending the moment.
Too busy, she thinks. Shame on them all.
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Posted in Other Mothers