Post-Partum Depression
Next Entries »The slippery slope
Sunday, April 10th, 2005First comes the anger and other signs, evident I suppose in this week’s posts and in my daily life. Second comes the tearfulness. Third comes the realisation that I feel beyond help.
I’m on that slippery slope of depression. I wish I could write something even remotely eloquent about how I am feeling, but it is beyond me at the moment.
Subscribe Via Email OR
Subscribe Via RSS
OR
Comments Off
Posted in Post-Partum Depression
Reasons to be cheerful, one, two, three
Tuesday, March 1st, 2005Last night I realised that my baby, my little cosy, sucky William, turned 21 months yesterday. In three months time he will be two.
I’m thinking about this because we are planning a holiday and two marks the age at which you have to pay for their air fare, but also when they get free childcare. So travelling with a two year old has its financial ups and downs. But it has also made me think about how far I have come in the last nine months. When William turned one we had a party but really I wanted someone to get up and congratulate ME for getting through William’s first year - not in the self-congratulatory sense, but in the sense that I was still functioning as a wife and mother (albeit only just). At the end of the day all I wanted to do was cry. He had turned one but I was feeling more tired, more depressed, more fed up than I did when he was six months old.
When I think of all that time I spent suffering from post-partum depression, all those magical baby moments I wasted being detached and unhappy, all the crying I did, effectively for nothing, I just feel incredibly sorry. Sorry that I put myself, my children, my husband, members of my family through it, sorry that I couldn’t see that I was suffering from this thing that had effectively taken over my life without me even realising it.
When William turns two in three months time, it will be a genuinely happy day. And I am so incredibly thankful for my beautiful family, but more importantly for my own sanity. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I have achieved happiness yet (and may not while I am staying at home looking after small children) but the fact that I no longer feel I want to drive my car into a tree is enough - more than enough - for me.
Subscribe Via Email OR
Subscribe Via RSS
OR
Comments Off
Posted in Post-Partum Depression
Thank You
Thursday, December 30th, 2004As the year draws to an end, I know that I have only really managed to get through it with the help of a lovely person called Triff (short for Triffid and I’m not making that up, really!) who was ‘assigned’ to me when I struggled with life and also with the friendship of my new friend Cally. I have known Cally for just over a year and in that time she has been one of the loveliest friends. Depression is a terrible thing: before I had it I might probably have dismissed it as something that is all in the mind. But when I found myself sobbing five, six or seven times a day, really sobbing, while my children clung to me, not understanding, fearful of what was happening to me, when I thought about driving my car into a tree, hoping that I might end up in hospital so that I wouldn’t have to look after my babies a minute longer, when I actually had to wonder if I might be depressed but not knowing that I was off the scale of the postpartum depression register, I know that these things were not just in my mind. The physical and emotional toll at that time was more than I could deal with and the depression manifested itself physically and emotionally - my cry for help. Triff and Cally were my knights in shining armour. If they had not helped me and shown me true and selfless friendship I really don’t know if I would be here today to say how much I love my beautiful family and my friends.
Subscribe Via Email OR
Subscribe Via RSS
OR
2 Comments »
Posted in Post-Partum Depression
Next Entries »