Comments on: Just a mother

By: Iota

Iota — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 20:44:18 +0000

I love the honesty of this post. Yes, it is a lonely time, and self-esteem takes a knock. I don’t know what the answer is.

By: reluctant memsahib

reluctant memsahib — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 06:54:09 +0000

ella, here via potty. i used to feel like this. like justamum. when my kids were wee. i used to think that i was regarded with modicum of pity and slight disdain. now though, now that i am old(er) and my kids big (two of them bigger than I, much), i think it was me that felt thus and not society, i think it was borne of the attendant loss of self esteem that can partner mothering and sleepless nights and loss of looks!. i think in reality society mostly regards mothers with faint awe. for all the frustration and isolation and compromised confidence that can be a part of it, the urgency of a child’s demand is so gratifying – especially compared to quickly emptying nests. make the most of these years. they go so fast. (I sound like my mum: she was right though). x

By: Jeannie

Jeannie — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 16:15:13 +0000

I think whar bothers me most about the is-motherhood-valued debate is that non-mothers argue that motherhood should be reward enough in itself. Having someone else tell me that I should be ‘happy with my lot’ or that it was my choice to have children is irritating and outdated. Modern motherhood needs to be re-branded and given greater status to reflect its important role, perhaps more so now that mothers have more of a choice over career paths and therefore giving up work, or not giving up work, when raising children is more of a sacrifice than ever.

By: ella

ella — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 22:24:18 +0000

Thank you.

By: Liv

Liv — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 22:50:11 +0000

“Is it possible to think this is the best thing I have ever done, I am ever likely to do, possible to love my children more than anything yet still not ‘rate’ motherhood – the unpaid, boring, lonely, stay-at-home version?”

Absolutely.

Ella, you are a fantastic mum and your children could not have a better family life. You can take great pride in that. Screw what society thinks.

By: Hope

Hope — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 16:12:10 +0000

I haven’t felt “fulfilled” by full-time motherhood but nor have I felt undervalued. I think my husband and (admittedly older)children go out of their way to make me feel valued which helps. Also there is definitely more fun in the child-rearing aspects of older children. Small children and babies are very hard work and I’m sure you might see things improve asx they get older.

I can see that you are saying that society doesn’t value mothers and I totally agree with that but you may find that when your workload isn’t so great it gives you a better balance in how you experience motherhood.

By: Bluegrass Mama

Bluegrass Mama — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 13:46:43 +0000

My oldest child is 23, and I have not worked full-time since he was born. I spent 13 years without a paid job at all, and have worked part-time the rest of the time. I am happy to say that I have never felt undervalued as a full-time mother. I think my key was getting out and finding other moms. We formed our own support group. One of them in particular was my "pair of sympathetic ears." Even when stuck home with the kids, we would pick up the phone and call each other to commiserate, or pack the kids up and head to the other one's house. I realize all that is a little trickier with four young boys, but I hope you do find an adult "lifeline" as I thought of my friend. Bluegrass Mamas last blog post..Thought for the Day

By: Carla

Carla — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 13:19:02 +0000

i’ve been a long time reader but this is my first time commenting. This post really resonated with me because I wanted to stay at home with my child and found it frustrating and boring but I also didn’t want to leave my baby with someone else all day while I went to work.

It would be good if there could be some kind of encouragement, maybe financial, for mothers to become entrepreneurs. That would make us less dependent on employers for interesting, well-paid jobs that are flexible enough to combine wiht raising children.

By: Melissa

Melissa — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 12:54:11 +0000

Ella, this is a great post. Sometimes your words mirror my feelings exactly and this is one of those times. I have struggled with my identity as a mother and although I really make an effort to get out and make friends and do things with the children I find the stay at home mother thing very difficult, even though I wouldn’t want to work full time either.

I had a part time job after my second child but it was the worst of both worlds. It was low paid, my full-time colleagues resented me for leaving early, I didn’t find it interesting work as I couldn’t get a job in the field I am trained in and my baby hated me leaving him in daycare.

The one thing I could suggest is that parents and careers advisers could point out which careers might be combined with motherhood successfully. My own mother was a nurse and worked part time through my childhood and I never felt she wasn’t there.

Great post!