Comments on: Is this the downside of attachment parenting? http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/ Pregnancy, babies and small children: the truth about motherhood. Thu, 04 Dec 2008 05:59:17 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.2.1 By: Making friends | most | least: motherhood in real-time http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1099 Making friends | most | least: motherhood in real-time Mon, 01 Oct 2007 12:09:47 +0000 http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1099 [...] made a friend. All by himself. And not just any friend but, after all the problems he’s had being frightened by them, an older [...] […] made a friend. All by himself. And not just any friend but, after all the problems he’s had being frightened by them, an older […]

]]> By: geepeemum http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1030 geepeemum Tue, 11 Sep 2007 21:47:18 +0000 http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1030 I don't have any advice -sorry - but I hope you work things out. I *think* that my feeling would be that things *will* work themselves out without you having to do anything but that might just be wishful thinking... I know I completely expected Belle to carry on being mute and painfully (and embarrassingly) shy but really things seem to be changing - and because she's a girl I'm guessing things change earlier for her.... But I imagine that a) Harry will suddenly decide that he's mising out and decide himself to change things and b) if there are events where he can get invited with William then he will gain confidence from that. I know that my 2 are way more confident if they are both invited somewhere than if just one of them is.... I don’t have any advice -sorry - but I hope you work things out. I *think* that my feeling would be that things *will* work themselves out without you having to do anything but that might just be wishful thinking… I know I completely expected Belle to carry on being mute and painfully (and embarrassingly) shy but really things seem to be changing - and because she’s a girl I’m guessing things change earlier for her…. But I imagine that a) Harry will suddenly decide that he’s mising out and decide himself to change things and b) if there are events where he can get invited with William then he will gain confidence from that. I know that my 2 are way more confident if they are both invited somewhere than if just one of them is….

]]> By: ella http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1029 ella Tue, 11 Sep 2007 21:08:30 +0000 http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1029 Kristen - it's how I give him positive experiences with older children that concerns me. I can't stay at these types of events - parties, soccer groups etc - although I suppose I could lurk in a corner if I didn't have two smaller, disruptive children in tow and there are very few events where he can socialise and can get experience of older boys in a 'safe' (in his mind) environment. This is one of the problems of being so rural because a good homeschool group might provide just that but we don't have one. And sadly, no, I'm not feeling better, but thanks for the thought! Kristen - it’s how I give him positive experiences with older children that concerns me. I can’t stay at these types of events - parties, soccer groups etc - although I suppose I could lurk in a corner if I didn’t have two smaller, disruptive children in tow and there are very few events where he can socialise and can get experience of older boys in a ’safe’ (in his mind) environment. This is one of the problems of being so rural because a good homeschool group might provide just that but we don’t have one.

And sadly, no, I’m not feeling better, but thanks for the thought!

]]> By: Kristen http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1028 Kristen Tue, 11 Sep 2007 19:20:58 +0000 http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1028 Just this weekend we had my son's fifth birthday party with several other kids and their parents. I cannot even begin to imagine how insane it would have been not to have had their parents here. God knows I could not have kept an eye on all of them all the time, and there was plenty of crying and carrying on from the younger ones as it was. I think I have some idea of how Harry feels. As a child I would get very anxious in social situations and would easily come to tears if I perceived any kind of threat, and certainly Harry's experience with older kids has proved very frightening so I can't blame him in the least. I think though as he has more positive experiences with older kids, he will grow in confidence and there will be a time when you can leave him off and he'll do just fine. He may take some time, but he'll get there. Hope you are feeling better this week, Ella! Just this weekend we had my son’s fifth birthday party with several other kids and their parents. I cannot even begin to imagine how insane it would have been not to have had their parents here. God knows I could not have kept an eye on all of them all the time, and there was plenty of crying and carrying on from the younger ones as it was.

I think I have some idea of how Harry feels. As a child I would get very anxious in social situations and would easily come to tears if I perceived any kind of threat, and certainly Harry’s experience with older kids has proved very frightening so I can’t blame him in the least. I think though as he has more positive experiences with older kids, he will grow in confidence and there will be a time when you can leave him off and he’ll do just fine. He may take some time, but he’ll get there.

Hope you are feeling better this week, Ella!

]]> By: ella http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1027 ella Tue, 11 Sep 2007 15:03:55 +0000 http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1027 Madeleine - yes it is ironic. Having said that, I cannot be certain how much of his attachment is due to fear after the bullying and how much is because he has always been 'attached'. Madeleine - yes it is ironic. Having said that, I cannot be certain how much of his attachment is due to fear after the bullying and how much is because he has always been ‘attached’.

]]> By: Madeleine http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1026 Madeleine Tue, 11 Sep 2007 13:36:08 +0000 http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1026 Ella, I'm guessing your post title is a bit ironic. It sounds like (in your followup comment) you realize this is the downside to being bullied that you are seeing. One of the many downsides. Anyway, I think you are right that you need to keep helping him to feel safe and finding him small, safe social groups until he regains his confidence. If he seems interested in a party again, you can re-do all the "how to cope" you've been doing, and see how it goes. I'm sorry for the death of your social life, though. I was that parent hanging around at kids' parties when everyone else had left, looking for some friends in a new town. Ella,
I’m guessing your post title is a bit ironic. It sounds like (in your followup comment) you realize this is the downside to being bullied that you are seeing. One of the many downsides. Anyway, I think you are right that you need to keep helping him to feel safe and finding him small, safe social groups until he regains his confidence. If he seems interested in a party again, you can re-do all the “how to cope” you’ve been doing, and see how it goes.

I’m sorry for the death of your social life, though. I was that parent hanging around at kids’ parties when everyone else had left, looking for some friends in a new town.

]]> By: girl http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1025 girl Tue, 11 Sep 2007 13:29:40 +0000 http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1025 Kids only parties are hard. My kids are pretty attached too and I see no harm in it. The first time I had to drop Sissy off without me, I talked to the parent first about me sticking around for a bit. Sometimes you have to ask even if you aren't invited. Parenting is hard, isn't it? Kids only parties are hard. My kids are pretty attached too and I see no harm in it. The first time I had to drop Sissy off without me, I talked to the parent first about me sticking around for a bit. Sometimes you have to ask even if you aren’t invited. Parenting is hard, isn’t it?

]]> By: Violet http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1024 Violet Tue, 11 Sep 2007 07:59:00 +0000 http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1024 I don't know people have kids-only parties. If the parents could go along too, then there'd be less concern for the shyer kids and the hosts would have less supervising to do! I don’t know people have kids-only parties. If the parents could go along too, then there’d be less concern for the shyer kids and the hosts would have less supervising to do!

]]> By: ella http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1023 ella Tue, 11 Sep 2007 07:32:43 +0000 http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1023 <p>Hi Sarah, thanks for your comment. You have raised several good points. </p> <p>He was crying because there were older boys there - I don't know how long you have been reading but he was bullied at school a year ago, partly by older boys and his fears remain from then. It's also reasonable to assume I was nervous about dropping him off but the opposite is true as I was looking forward to seeing my friends! I did walk in with him and stay for fifteen minutes. I was chatting with my friends and his brothers were happily playing with the party guests so it was quite relaxed and I told him I would stay until he was happy for me to go. </p> <p>Like you I agree that this is likely to happen at future parties and my concern is whether I should wait until he is older before attempting to drop him at a party, particularly as coping strategies I had taught him after he was bullied at school and for unknown situations did not seem to make him feel any more at ease. I wasn't invited to stay and I didn't feel I could ask to stay. My BFF was invited to stay and Harry could have gone to her if he was worried but this didn't seem to be enough to make him feel confident about staying either. </p> <p>So we came home: it wasn't the decision I would have chosen but he was disrupting the party and nothing else seemed to be working. </p> <p>Thanks again for your advice, I feel a bit at my wit's end with his sensitivity and don't want to push him into situations that will make it worse, but I also want to help him feel confident so that he can cope independently as he gets older.</p> Hi Sarah, thanks for your comment. You have raised several good points.

He was crying because there were older boys there - I don’t know how long you have been reading but he was bullied at school a year ago, partly by older boys and his fears remain from then. It’s also reasonable to assume I was nervous about dropping him off but the opposite is true as I was looking forward to seeing my friends! I did walk in with him and stay for fifteen minutes. I was chatting with my friends and his brothers were happily playing with the party guests so it was quite relaxed and I told him I would stay until he was happy for me to go.

Like you I agree that this is likely to happen at future parties and my concern is whether I should wait until he is older before attempting to drop him at a party, particularly as coping strategies I had taught him after he was bullied at school and for unknown situations did not seem to make him feel any more at ease. I wasn’t invited to stay and I didn’t feel I could ask to stay. My BFF was invited to stay and Harry could have gone to her if he was worried but this didn’t seem to be enough to make him feel confident about staying either.

So we came home: it wasn’t the decision I would have chosen but he was disrupting the party and nothing else seemed to be working.

Thanks again for your advice, I feel a bit at my wit’s end with his sensitivity and don’t want to push him into situations that will make it worse, but I also want to help him feel confident so that he can cope independently as he gets older.

]]> By: Sarah http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1022 Sarah Mon, 10 Sep 2007 23:07:22 +0000 http://mostleast.com/2007/09/10/downside-attachment-parenting-emotionally-immature-five-year-old/#comment-1022 Hello, lurker here! I enjoy reading your blog - thanks for sharing! I was just thinking out loud about your dilemma there with your son... when he started crying, did you ask him why he thought he was crying? I wonder if he wasn't picking up on your nerves about his first non-parents party. And when you got home, did you discuss in depth his feelings about the party, why it's ok to be scared, but why you sometimes have to see how something is first before you decide not to do it. Even though it was a kids-only party, I wonder if you could have walked in with him and hung out in the kitchen while things got started. New things are so scary for sensitive kids. I guess I would make sure that your body language & posture is very relaxed when you go into these situations, that you convey that "it's no big deal to go into social situations" etc. I have a feeling that this will happen again at future parties: his anticipation anxiety may return. Returning home is the easiest way to release that anxiety, but maybe there's a way where he can develop some kind of strategy to cope with it in the moment (breathing or something). I bet that he will have fun once the party begins. That's my only advice -- I hope it's not too much. Hello, lurker here! I enjoy reading your blog - thanks for sharing! I was just thinking out loud about your dilemma there with your son… when he started crying, did you ask him why he thought he was crying? I wonder if he wasn’t picking up on your nerves about his first non-parents party. And when you got home, did you discuss in depth his feelings about the party, why it’s ok to be scared, but why you sometimes have to see how something is first before you decide not to do it. Even though it was a kids-only party, I wonder if you could have walked in with him and hung out in the kitchen while things got started.

New things are so scary for sensitive kids. I guess I would make sure that your body language & posture is very relaxed when you go into these situations, that you convey that “it’s no big deal to go into social situations” etc.

I have a feeling that this will happen again at future parties: his anticipation anxiety may return. Returning home is the easiest way to release that anxiety, but maybe there’s a way where he can develop some kind of strategy to cope with it in the moment (breathing or something). I bet that he will have fun once the party begins.

That’s my only advice — I hope it’s not too much.

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