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Being a stay at home mother is/is not hard
By ella | August 21, 2007
I don’t care what anyone says: my job as a stay-at-home-mother is really hard sometimes.
The baby cried from about two o’clock this morning onwards and when light finally appeared it was obvious why when I saw this around his mouth: an allergic reaction to something he ate yesterday (although I’ve no idea what)
and he is as miserable as sin today.
Because I was awake half the night I threw up three times before breakfast and now feel sick and have an almighty headache which I cannot take anything for. I want to be in bed but there is no-one to look after the children. My BFF is away on holiday, along with most of the residents of our village so I have no emergency backup.
It is the middle of August and the weather is like this:
and the kids are going stir-crazy.
The baby has decided to start screaming. All day, every day. For fun.
Because of all this I feel really isolated at the moment.
Round where I live most of us are SAHMs by choice. Most of us appreciate having time to spend with our children. I chose to be an SAHM and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But it is sometimes hard.
What would my day have been like if I had been working today? I would have had to hand over my tired, allergic, overly-attached baby and older children to their caregiver and make my way, fighting back the tears, to work. I would have spent a tired, stressful day or maybe a productive day with colleagues and friends, maybe with a lousy boss, maybe with someone who congratulated me on some good work, maybe had a nice lunch with friends, maybe a moment around the coffee machine to talk about something grown-up, maybe throwing up (always easier at home), still suffering a headache. I would have been paid. Then having to leave late and in a hurry to make it in time to pick up the children. They are tired, over-stimulated, needing time with me. After they are in bed, I start on the chores.
My day at home was easier in many ways. The time I spend with my children is invaluable. Still, I slave all day doing repetitive chores, preparing food, cleaning up, preparing activities, teaching, clearing up, refereeing fights, applying ice to bumps, reading stories, changing nappies and clothes without any sense of having achieved anything tangible. I also sacrifice certain things so we can live on one income.
But the things that make it hard are not necessarily these things. I feel isolated and under-appreciated being at home. I often feel lonely despite having a good support network. The ‘work’ aspect of being a SAHM is repetitive and boring. I don’t feel like I am contributing anything to anyone outside of the house. I don’t feel valued by society or by the economy. I worry about how I will get back into a career after such a long break. I worry about how little I am likely to be paid compared to my colleagues when I do return. When my first baby was born there were other feelings (which have now passed): a feeling of ’shock’ over the whole baby thing, a sense that I was totally and utterly on my own looking after this new, helpless creature but particularly a loss of identity, a sense that I was not so much me as someone’s mother.
These are not new arguments. Motherhood is hard in different ways for different mothers. I have phases where I am swimming and other phases where I am sinking. All I ask is that others don’t judge what my days are like. Especially today.
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Categories: Stay at Home Mother, Other Mothers
Your poor baby! I hope tomorrow is better for you both.
Ella, I’m really sorry. I’ve had days like that. In fact I have lots and lots of days like that, except that unlike you I struggle to bring anything positive out of them. I don’t miss my job in the least but, along with all the issues you mentioned, I do envy the fact that my husband gets sick leave and holidays! Your poor little one too. I really hope that today brings some relief for all of you.
I’m sorry if someone has said something to you. Staying at home with a baby can be very hard. In fact any kind of work/stay home arrangement can be very hard when you’re a mother. But it is not right if someone is judging what your days are like.
Take care of yourself and that poor, sore little Ben!
I work because I could not stay at home. I tried it and nearly went mad with boredom and frustration (and contrary to what some might say I DO love my children). So I understand what you are saying.
As a working mother I get more negative comments about my choice to work than I got when I was at home but I don’t see that it’s anyone’s place to comment at all. They should keep their opinions to themselves!
I admire any woman who can manage looking after more than one child, whether they are in paid work or not. I’m always tired and don’t feel I have enough time to get things done, and I’m a SAHM with only have the one child!
Has someone said to you that staying at home is not hard? If so what gives them the right to judge others? They should try saying something like that to my face!
Olivia/Eva - not to me directly, just some stuff that was said recently.
Oh, the poor kids. I hope he’s better today.
You’re right about it all, Ella. When people ask me what it’s like to stay at home with the kids I say every day is both horrible and wonderful. It has changed me so much as a person, and as tough as it sometimes is, I’m so thankful for it.
What really puts things in perspective for me is my experience having worked at a day care center for two years, before I had any of my own children. Talk about dull routine. When it was time to change the diapers there were 14 to change, right in a row, like a little toddler assembly line. And then at lunch setting up 14 little lunch places, washing 14 sets of hands and faces afterward, putting 14 unwilling, squirming children down for naps! I don’t know how we teachers managed it. It was just one thing after another that we had to do, the same, everyday. And then interspersed was all the whining, the fighting, the biting!, and crying for mommy, who of course wasn’t there. I actually really enjoyed that job, most days, but it was exhausting. I look back at that time and know first hand how good my kids and I have got it here at home.
That said, tough days are tough no matter how you look at them. Remember, whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger! Hope you less queasy these days…
I agree with Smartie. I work because I couldn’t stay home all the time. I know there are days when life as a SAHM does look more appealing - usually the days when I’m just seeing complete rubbish come through my door - but there are most definitely more days when my life seems an awful lot better than it would as a SAHM. I don’t mean that I feel more “valued” or anything (I quite often feel negative comments and stereotypes directed at me for daring to work rather than following the more traditional female path!!) but I just feel I can give my all to the children when I’m with them. Not that SAHM’s don’t but I don’t think that I personally would. I also don’t feel any pressure to do housework/be a housewife as well as mum on those days which is much better for my sanity!! If my choice was staying at home or using childcare though I don’t know what I’d pick. I know I have it lucky…
I worked when my eldest child was small but when I had another I stayed home. I preferred being at home because I was less busy but I missed the adult interaction that I had at work. Overall I’m glad I was at home.
What you are absolutely right about is that others should not judge anybody else’s circumstances. Apart from anything else how do you judge what somebody’s life is like if you don’t know how old their children are, how many they have, what their job is (th e mother not the child!), how much they earn, how much support they have at home and all those similar sorts of questions. I think the only person who can judge whether staying at home is easier than going out to work is a mother looking at her own life.
I work at home so I have the best and worst of both worlds! I love being able to be at home with my children but I also love having work of my own. I don’t like having the constant interruptions and being busy all the time. But I couldn’t imagine being a stay at home mother as I would go crazy and I couldn’t imagine leaving my children in childcare all day every day. I think the trouble with one or the other is that it is all or nothing, too much boredom or too much busy.
You do sound lonely though (I hope you don’t mind me saying that) and this is another problem with modern motherhood. It IS isolating and we weren’t designed to parent in isolation.
There is much to be done to improve a mother’s lot.
As promised, here’s my comment. Loved this post. I’ve recently read a blog elsewhere condemning SAHMs for being “anti-feminist” (I won’t link here because I don’t want the author coming back here thru their stats and harassing you). I’m wondering if you’ve read it too and that’s what inspired this post. E-mail me if you’re curious for a link, but be warned, it’s pretty vitriolic and might be better for your health not to read it.
My view? Motherhood is a job, just as working in an office block or paving a road is a job. If it wasn’t a job and we had it so gosh-darned easy staying at home with our kids, why the heck do we pay child-care workers for doing the exact same job? Surely there’d be volunteers popping out of the woodwork to mind our kids.
For instance, if I ran a childcare centre out of my home, looked after other people’s kids and got paid by the hour, I’m considered an entrepreneur. The very same people who would criticise SAHMs and insist we all should go back to work would have no problem leaving their children with the likes of me.
Yet, when I choose to do the same with my very own children, I’m letting the side down somehow. It’s a completely hypocritical view of the job we do and it’s frustrating when people just don’t get it.
But you know what I tell myself? Those people can go screw themselves. Really. My family is happy, my children are happy, I’m happy - fuck ‘em. I don’t need to justify myself to anybody when it’s so obviously working well for us. It’s not a feminist choice, it’s a “what works for our family” choice. My mantra :”Take the high road, build a bridge and get over it”.
There are two aspects I suppose I wanted to get across in my post. Firstly that someone said that staying at home is easier (it is not the same thing you mention, Frally, but I will be emailing you for the link) and it has been on my mind since I read it. I think it is wrong that someone else feels it is okay to say definitively whether staying at home or working is easier because that makes all sorts of insinuations about a person who finds it hard. If you have worked and stayed at home and think that one is easier than the other FOR YOU then fine. Jenna, you have it absolutely right when you say ‘I think the only person who can judge whether staying at home is easier than going out to work is a mother looking at her own life.’
Secondly, on a wider societal level, although I have a choice to stay at home (and I am grateful I do), I don’t REALLY have a choice if the alternative is putting my children in childcare for long hours all week because the only kind of well-paid, satisfying job that I can get involves working long hours. Geepeemum, you seem to have the near-perfect combination: a job you love with hours to suit and a family member to look after your children when you work. We need more part-time, well-paid, career jobs available to parents. And we need more support for parents who want to stay at home.
I suppose a third point is that I DO often feel lonely and I wish the whole mothering experience - money, career prospects, isolation and so on - wasn’t so all or nothing.