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Sibling rivalry and a new baby
By ella | February 21, 2007
‘Come and meet your new brother.’
‘Don’t want to.’
‘He’s brought you a present.’
‘Wow, what is it? It’s Diesel! Look Mummy, it’s Diesel! I LOVE my new baby.’
And so began the love affair between my eldest two children.
Sally asked me about how best to minimise sibling rivalry when a new baby joins the family. I’m not the best person to ask because when my second son was born I was a) in the process of moving house (very stressful) and b) almost certainly suffering pre-partum depression which would eventually become full-blown post-partum depression. This was not the best start I could have given either of them to each other. However I have done it twice now and all three of my children seem relatively well-adjusted so I will share my thoughts here:
1) talk to your child about the new baby as soon as it is likely to have an impact on his life. So if you are suffering severe morning sickness it might do to tell him right away - children hate secrets and their imaginations can go into overdrive. ‘Mummy’s sicking but don’t worry the baby’s not coming out of her mouth,’ my eldest would say knowledgeably to strangers, but at least I knew he wasn’t worrying about why I was being so sick. Otherwise you might like to wait until your bump starts to show. I also bought a baby boy doll and carried this around for a while whilst pregnant. I felt very stupid. But when William arrived I’m not sure if Harry actually noticed the difference between him and the doll.
2) involve them in the preparation for the baby ie the baby’s nursery. All the manuals say this but as we never had a nursery it was a bit of a stretch to expect Harry to be interested in the exact placement of the Moses basket beside my bed.
3) get a routine - and stick to it - before, during and after the birth as much as possible. Don’t start moving your child’s bed, being stricter, starting at a new nursery etc. Nothing to add here except that the arrangements for while you are in hospital can be worrying for everyone. Some say explain it all, have a dry run etc. I took the cheat’s way and told Harry the day before that his grandma would be coming to look after him and I would see him in hospital. I’ll only know if this scarred him for life when he enters therapy as an adult.
4) when your child visits you in the hospital there are two crucial steps. One, when your child arrives, ask your partner to look after the baby while you spends a few minutes with your child. And two, a small present from the baby for any siblings can make the whole introduction thing go much more smoothly. This has an added benefit of keeping them from tearing up and down the hospital hallways from boredom too.
5) when you get home try to spend a few minutes with each older sibling while someone else looks after the baby. They don’t really care about your new bundle of joy - at least not yet. They want you. Over the next few days and weeks, spend as much time as you can alone with them. Some days this may be next to nothing. Other days the baby may sleep for several hours and you will get time with your older child AND time for a cup of tea. At that moment you will feel almost as good as you did on those luxury vacations you used to take pre-children.
6) your child will look so big. If they are still in nappies their bum will look huge compared with your baby’s scrawny bottom. Although I’m sure that, after all the joys of childbirth, bleeding, sleep-deprivation and so on in the hospital, you will cope with this one. Not sure what this has to do with sibling rivalry but I thought you would appreciate this important heads-up.
7) when visitors come, have a small present ready to give your older child if the visitor only brings a gift for the baby. Let the visitor hold the baby while you cuddle your child.
Eight) as the days go on your child may want to ‘help’ with bathing, fetching, feeding, in which case cancel the nanny and let them go for it. Most likely though the jealousy will get worse. Mine wanted to throw things at me while I fed the baby and then they would hit him while I burped him. Be firm but low key if your older child is aggressive. Never leave them alone together. I’ve never heard of a baby being smothered by their older sibling giving them a ‘hug’ but I bet we all tried it when we were children.
9) Regression - wanting to be the baby again - is common. Baby them. It doesn’t last. Pretend they’re twins and remind yourself that in a few weeks you will, thankfully, only have one baby again.
10) On a practical level, have a safe place where you can put the baby out of harm’s way from other children and pets. If you have three or more children you will be repeatedly distracted and the baby needs somewhere safe when you have to leave the room. Even if it is just to pee.
11) Get sleep whenever, wherever you can. The more sleep you get, the less stressful everything will feel. A newborn is exhausting. Older children can be very demanding. The two together can be overwhelming. Accept help and offers of a chance to nap.
And despite writing all that, I still want to have another and go through all that fun. Stay tuned for my thoughts on another baby!
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Informative and funny. I love it!!
Thanks Ella! I think we’re in good shape so far. We actually did most of the early preparation suggestions you gave without even knowing we were doing something good. I’m sure I’ll refer back to this lots and lots in the coming weeks.
A very good list. Sleep, sleep, sleep and include the older kids in EVERYTHING. Go on and on about how much fun it is to be taking care of the baby, and how COOL it is that THEY are doing it.
With multiples, I often remind the older that the reason they are so happy and sweet is because the one older than them (and that’s the parent for the oldest child) was so patient and understanding when they were little.
Tell them about the payoff down the road. “Think how cool it will be to have a best friend right here to play with whenever you want…” etc. Talk about how cool it will be when they are bigger and are sweet and gentle and kind because they were so nice to them.