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Blame, sorrow and grief
By ella | January 17, 2007
I’m playing the blame game. For however much I miss my dog I know that there is an outside possibility that her early death may have been due in part to my negligence in getting her checked.
Early last year she had a minor operation in which her blood results came back showing raised liver enzymes. I put in the diary to take her back two months post-op to have them re-checked. As the weeks went on I noticed that she was taking longer to eat her dinner. ‘When she goes in to have her enzymes checked, I’ll get them to clean her teeth and take out any that might be bothering her,’ I thought. I put it in the diary to remind me.
Her annual vaccination date eventually came round. While I was at the vets I finally made the appointment to have her teeth cleaned. But by then it was too late: a couple of days before the appointment she started having diarrhoea so I postponed it. The evening before that same appointment her stomach swelled with ascites and that was the beginning of the end.
She died seven weeks after the first clinical signs. But because of a chance operation earlier in the year we were given a sign that all may not have been well. Because I am busy with three small children and all the daily crap that life entails she got pushed to the bottom of the pile. The liver is one of the few organs in the body that has this amazing capacity to repair itself. But I missed the chance I was given. She would have died of liver failure eventually. She might already have had advanced liver disease when the first blood results came back. But she also might have had a bit longer with us. Except I was too busy. And that’s what I’m finding just as hard to come to terms with as her death. Too busy doing what? What have I got to show for all that busy-ness except my dog that is no longer here?
I had no New Year’s resolutions this year except to love and look after my family. To care for them. To make Brin’s last days as comfortable and full of love as possible. To look after myself so that I can look after everyone else. I have learnt a very hard lesson in the last few months. I have learnt the hard way what is important about life. And amidst all that I’m coping as best I can while I grieve for her.
I miss her more than I can say. And knowing that I may have contributed to her early death is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
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Categories: Dog Days
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