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Motherhood vs mothering
By ella | November 28, 2006
I had an email last month from Georgia (hi Georgia) asking me about the terms ‘motherhood’ and ‘mothering’, both of which I use on this site. She asks are these terms interchangeable or is there a difference between them? My answer is I’m not sure, at least ‘officially’ - I’m not a scholar of women’s studies, feminism or motherhood - but I know that I use these terms to differentiate between two opposing perspectives of raising children.
The thing about raising children is that it is a job like any other and we have the right to define what it is, to ‘own’ the job decription and not to have a patriarchal definition of what motherhood should be thrust upon us. However much we like raising children most of the time, the notion that we should love it all the time without complaining, without pay, without help from partners in many cases, without any recognition, is ridiculous.
We love our children but to say we find it wonderful and stimulating and rewarding to look after children who require everything doing for them, who take pleasure in whining and throwing tantrums, who revel in making as much noise and mess as possible, who need feeding, changing, disciplining and to be kept safe in a constant carousel of chores and to do all that with a smile of contentment on our face, without any recompense or recognition because our children should be reward enough, well that’s the patriarchal version of motherhood.
To admit that, yes, we love our children and they bring us much joy but it is not always fun, we are not always fulfilled, we sometimes have depression, we might often bitch and moan, we wish we were more respected or rewarded (and if we had more time we might be actively working to change things to achieve this but right now we’re busy) and it’s okay to talk about all these things, to care for all our children from within our communities whether those are our own households, local communities or those stretching across cyber boundaries, to nurture and raise our children according to our own rules with attention and affection whilst looking after ourselves too, well that’s mothering.
I bridle at being told what motherhood should be. As I write in my About Me page, I hate the way motherhood renders me invisible in society. I would like to change these things and I’m doing my best with limited time. Talking unapologetically on this site about the difficulties I have with motherhood is just one of those things I’m doing. I also run a site for mothers. I write elsewhere about parenting and the less glossy side of being a mother. I have no problem portraying an accurate representation of motherhood in public, sometimes a yummy-mummy approach, sometimes a can’t-cope mother approach. I take my children with me wherever I can and make no apology for their presence in places where they are less than welcome (although if they misbehave we leave); I am visible as a mother and my children are visible members of society, a part of everyday life. I hope that when my children are older and I have more time, I will be able to do more (even though I need that change now!). What else could I be doing? I think of a lot of things (there is a lot of feeding going on at night and I’ve got nothing else to think about! Especially not the incontinent dog!) but it’s hard to think of things that could be really revolutionary, really effective. The internet provides a huge platform and that could be harnessed, even though it is not absolutely inclusive because not everyone has access. There are lots of blogs reflecting the true nature of mothering, and these were a revelation to me, and also a lifesaver, but not everyone reads them and their impact doesn’t seem to reach far outside blog circles. Mothering movements make the voices louder, but are they being heard? Local groups can effect change in their area, but what about wider changes? And what about policy: is top-down or bottom-up the best way to influence policy-makers and bring about change?
I’m up for a challenge! I’d make the time! What’s the answer?
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Read More:
- The problem with motherhood
- Isolated parenting
- What it is (to be a mother)
- United Nations report on child well-being in economically advanced nations
- Stay at home mom
Categories: The Politics of Motherhood
I love the term mothering!
I don’t have any answers, at least not at the moment. It’s book club tonight so I’ll ask the group and report back!! Great post though. I love being made to think a bit.
Raising children used to be much more a community affair (it takes a village to raise a child and all that) and it is only recently that motherhood has become much more isolated. I think you are on the right track by getting your children to participate in daily life and not limiting them to those places where children are expected to be. Beyond that I’m not sure how change is best effected. Top down would work if the institutions weren’t patriarchal to start with. Bottom up is limited by the lack of a unified voice. Unify us Ella and let’s see if it works!
All I know is that reading about experiences of parenting like yours makes me relieved to know that I am not the only one going through these things.
Sorry to be negative but I think it would need something major to get enough mothers off their backsides and up in arms. If there were something important enough (and I’m thinking along the lines of forced contraception or something equally ridiculous and unlikely) then mothers would be a formidable force. Anything less and mothers don’t have the time, energy or commitment.
i haven’t commented here before though i am a long term reader. This post struck me as interesting because you seem to approach the argument for recognition for motherhood from a feminist viewpoint and I think that’s a shame because aligning yourself with feminists isn’t likely to do your cause any good. I applaude the small steps you are taking but I think the only way a revolution would occur is if we had a female prime minister who wanted to see greater recognition for mothers and i’m not sure that’s ever going to happen, although we might all be inspired by the bbc’s ‘amazing mrs pritchard’ insofar as an outsider might one day be elected to office!
Great post! ( I am interested in why Fiona thinks that “feminism” doesn’t do the “cause” any good).
Fiona, I don’t necessarily feel my argument is a feminist one. I am, I suppose, a feminist although more along the lines of the doctrine rather than the movement but also a firm believer that women can be involved in issues that are feminist without being feminists. Motherhood is one of those, tied up as it is with assumptions about who will care for children, what role that will take, and how that role is perceived.
I agree that it would be good to see an ‘Amazing Mrs Mother’ elected as Prime Minister!
Thanks Ella for your explanation. I have always used the term motherhood to mean the state of being a mother and mothering as the action of looking after children. I’ve also always considered motherhood to be thought of as second best in society (along with caring roles generally) and paid work to be considered more valuable. Mothers know though that motherhood is equally valuable and that someone has to raise the next generation. The government though sees someone else in this role - daycare or schools with wraparound care. The increasing emphasis that the government puts on getting mothers back to work seems to have two benefits for the economy, firstly increasing family wealth with the added benefit of decreasing some poverty and reliance on the state and secondly increasing the amount of tax paid to the treasury because one teacher or carer looking after x number of children in school or daycare while y number of mothers are at work increases economic productivity compared with mothers staying at home to look after their children. Therefore there is little incentive for the government to pay mothers in tax credits or benefits more than they already are, except perhaps as a vote winner. If the birth rate was very low it would be interesting to see what the government would pull out of its hat to encourage motherhood although that would of course be for a different reason (social security support for the future) rather than to recognise the valuable work of mothering.
Mothering, the mother-led version of raising children, which is less political, has little or no clout despite the very large numbers of mothers. As society progresses I’m amazed that motherhood is still given so little recognition but not surprised that mothers don’t have time to bring about change.
The government will spin their policies as increasing choice for mothers, allowing them to work, but at the end of the day it comes down to economics. I know we’ve talked about this in relation to the problem with schools and I will be interested to hear your views about this as regards your home educating choices.
Hi Ella - For me mothering is a verb, and motherhood is a publically defined life stage (as if it ever ends). The American magazine Mothering (www.Mothering.com) covers all fronts from the personal to the political and in my view makes mothering both a personal statement of one’s values and a practice in which we all have investment. Even with my degree in politics, I cannot see public policy having more influence than smart Mothers gathering to chat and act as is done hear. Keep us talking! Cheers!