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The problem with motherhood
By ella | September 19, 2006
Yesterday I was paid for an article I wrote about parenting. It was a good moment. Although I have been writing for nearly two years it was validation of my writing efforts to receive money for writing more or less what I write here every week (For free! What a bargain for you all!).
Which begs the question: at what point does one ‘become’ a writer, or an artist, or a singer or musician, or anything that doesn’t require ‘professional’ training? (I’m sure I could think of less creative professions but it is late and I am tired, and you get the idea). Is it when you are paid? Is it on completion of a relevant training course? Does experience alone allow you to call yourself any one of these things? Must you have people reading your words for you to be able to call yourself a writer, to have your pictures hung on another’s wall to be a painter? Are the skills of a talented but non-classically trained musician any less or any greater than the skills gained learning to be, say, a teacher or a manager?
Our capitalist society values and rewards certain skills. As a paid writer I have gone up in some people’s estimation because being a published writer (even in such a very small way) is more valued than being an unpublished one. I find that faintly ridiculous (although secretly I may just possibly have gone up in my own estimation). Similarly our patriarchal society values and rewards certain skills. Were I writing about technology or business I’m pretty sure I would be accorded more respect than writing about parenting subjects or being an unpaid ‘mommyblogger’. No matter; I think that what I write about is relevant to some people even if no-one else does.
In the same vein, this, essentially, is the problem I have with mothering. It is the fact that I am trying to do it without any recognition from society, the media or the government that what I am doing is worthwhile. It is the fact that there is no financial reward, which renders me invisible in a capitalist society, nor is there respect, which renders me invisible in a patriarchal society. It is the fact that I have chosen to stay at home and this irks some of my feminist sisters, past tutors and even some of my friends and family, because I am a highly educated, feminist woman (and I add ‘woman’ here because feminism is only a part of what I am) yet I am - apparently - wasting my opportunities, experience and time by choosing to stay at home with my young children. It is the fact that having chosen to stay at home I am penalised in my career progression when I return to work. It is the fact that should I decide to work while raising a family, I would most likely have to juggle all the balls - home, work, childcare - most of the time.
Mothering is a thankless task much of the time but it is also hugely enjoyable. It is a selfish act, becoming a mother, but it is also the least selfish act, raising the next generation. Whilst you may not enjoy my children in the same way I do, all our children are part of our future, literally as the perpetuation of the species, and less literally as the bedrock of our social security system which will provide (or not, as the case may be in the UK) for our old age. I know I am a good mother to my own children, or at least a good-enough mother. But being a ‘mother’ in the career sense is not recognised in any way. We are this huge, silent, working, mostly invisible group of people giving our all to something that is undervalued, judged and ignored in equal measure.
So although I may now be a slightly-published writer, I would trade the immense joy I feel about that in an instant for being recognised in some way by society, the media and government as a valued and respected mother.
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Read More:
- What it is (to be a mother)
- Stay at home mom
- Motherhood vs mothering
- Isolated parenting
- United Nations report on child well-being in economically advanced nations
Categories: The Politics of Motherhood
Very thoughtful post. I’ve been reading about the industrial revolution for the past hour (student) and hey, at least we’re not coal-drawers. Talk about a job that received no respect.
Perhaps by continuing to write intelligently about parenting you’re doing your own small part in helping the work of motherhood garner more respect? Maybe, just maybe, its a trade you do not have to make. Btw,Is there a link to your article?
I have posted about this myself and how we are perceived in a consumerist society that places little value life, less still on those who make it their life’s work to produce and raise that life. It is a sacrifice, in every way imaginable. It also produces the biggest rewards imaginable. This is motherhood, and there’s no problem with it. The problem is with everything else.
You’re a writer when you believe you’re a writer. When you complete something you’re proud of. When you print out your first story.
My daughter is a writer when she composes a story on her workbook.
It comes back to, “Why do you wish to pursue this venture?”
If the answer is money, then I suppose that’s when you’re successful.
But it’s not a real measuring stick of being a writer if you ask me. That said, it’s always cool to get paid to do something you love to do. That’s one of the cool perks of being an artist, or an athlete, or doing anything that is a passion for you.
Congrats on the sale. A bigger platform is always nice.
You’re a writer if anyone reads your work I think.
I agree with the fact that motherhood is seen as a second rate choice. Yet it is essential for our survival! Its too strange.
Congratulations on becoming published! I think it’s something of which you should be very proud. I think you’re right about parenting and choosing to dedicate yourself to rasising amazing future citizens of the Earth. There should be an huge amount of praise and recognition to Moms and Dads who make their offspring their profession. kudos to you for a great post.
On becoming a mother you join a club. You embark on one of the most important things you will ever do in life but yet at the same time you become invisible. In this day and age it is very difficult to maintain your identity as a mother because, despite the call for women to spend more time at home, essentially the work of mothers goes unrecognised.
I congratulate you on your writing and look forward to reading some more thought provoking entries.
You’re a writer when you take your own writing seriously. Getting published is a bonus because so many forces outside your control conspire against success in this crazy (and crazy-making) business. Just as it helps for stay-at-home parents to join forces with other stay-at-home parents who understand the real value of the work they are doing, writers benefit by joining forces with other writers. Congratulations on your publishing success and on accepting writing as your calling.
Great post. I do find this whole devaluing of mothers and the things that mothers do and are involved in, including the debate about mommyblogging which you have talked about before, depressing and strange. You have hit the nail on the head about the capitalist/patriarchal society. This in turn feeds into the way that government and media perceive motherhood.
Declining birth rates in Western Europe should give policy makers every reason to encourage motherhood, and create choices for mothers to work or not work to suit each individual mother. In this country we are often forced into dual incomes by mortgage costs and other living costs. I’m certain that could be addressed if necessary.
Perhaps you could use your new writing skills (and of course you have always been a writer but then I’m guessing your question was rhetorical) to influence the policymakers.
I’m getting a bit long winded now but this is a subject very close to my heart!
Thanks for posting this, it has really made me think since I read it yesterday. Congratulations on the “paid gig”!
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I also believe you’re a writer if someoe reads you.
That was a wonderfully written, thought provoking post. I don’t have much more to add beyond that.
Thanks for making me think and giving me something to discuss over dinner with my husband.
A hearty congrast on the piece, lady. Way to go!
You bring up questions about writing that I think about myself all the time. A writer is about who you are, even more than what you do. It’s an inner calling that goes beyond profit and opportunities. For that reason there’s a difference between writers and authors.
Although I will say that writers are writers because they write. I know too many “writers” who want not to write, but to have written. It’s an imprtant distinction.
Bravo to the highly educated feminists who stay home and raise their children by the way. The last thing we need is a bunch of ignorant dolts raising the next generation.
Congrats on the writing gig! I think you are a writer if you need to write like you need air. It becomes a part of you. You lolly about in words, contantly making sentences or rearranging them in your head.
You are a mother if you have loved a child. Whether the child is biologically yours, whether it ended before the first trimester was over…if you’ve loved a child as your own and felt protective of it, call yourself a mom.
Neither of these things need a paycheque, nor do they usually come with one, but oh, if only they did.
You’re a writer if you write. But it took me a good number of years to convince myself of that. I didn’t feel it until I had gotten paid for something I wrote, but I felt it on some other level before that.
Keep going! You’re now on a roll!
ain’t it the truth.
(and, although I’d genuinely like to contribute something to what you’ve said, b/c I find it speaks volumes to me, I can’t come up with anything to add to your words — they’re sufficient. so, all I can really extend is a solid “here, here.”)
p.s. der. that should’ve been “hear, hear.”
back to your scheduled programming.