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Monday
By ella | September 6, 2006
Walking down the hill I feel his small hand tighten around mine. He looks at me with unshed tears in his eyes, his sombre face betraying his nervousness. ‘I’m really excited,’ he says looking down the long road. There is silence as we walk. I resist the urge to issue helpful instructions. The last week has been full of them.
‘Do I look smart?’ he whispers, looking up at me.
‘You look very smart, my big boy.’
As we go through the entrance he barely hesitates. ‘I remember the way,’ he calls out to me, ‘I’m a big boy now.’ His bravado makes me smile. So much has changed over the summer; he has shown me how much he can do and how much he can accomplish, will accomplish. For nearly five years I have taught him all I can, looked after him, loved him, loved him so much. I knew this day was coming but it feels as much a milestone for me as it is for him.
For today is just the beginning of my eldest son’s formal education. The start of the time when others will have as much influence on him as I do. He’s ready to be there. I’m ready for him to be there. But as I squeeze him tight I hear him whisper through his tears: ‘I’ll be okay, I’m a big boy now.’
So it seems so irrational that, as I walk away from school, I find myself whispering to him: But I don’t want to let you go.
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Categories: Not Enough Children
13 Comments
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Oh Ella, this is just how I felt too. You captured all those feelings exactly!
I haven’t commented here before but I just wanted to say that this made me cry. My baby started school this week and you wrote exactly what I was feeling and why I am feeling a bit down this week. I read your site regularly because you seem to be able to put into words what I can’t. Thank you!!
I had a good cry that morning.
Um, yeah, I couldn’t wait to get out of there and do some me stuff.
Up early this morning because my dd1 woke early crying that she does not want to go back to school. It makes my heartache to think she’s unhappy there.
It is a big step for the ‘big boys and girls’ but also for us first time school mothers! Because my big girl doesn’t tell me much, I’m left to wonder what is happening to her, what is she learning, who is she playing with and is she really happy!! I’m all for getting schools to set up web cams so we can have a quick peek at them now and again.
Venetia couldn’t wait to go in on her first day and didn’t want to come home! Not quite sure what that says about me as a mother!!
I have heard of moms crying over their baby’s first day. I hope it doesn’t happen to me, I want to be brave or else I’ll break down and homeschool!
So well-written!
Yup, BTDT, bittersweet.
IMHO though, two kids rather than three each day for several hours? A good thing for everyone. I know I’m loving that this time around I get a few days a week with just the baby (during school hours). I may even retain my sanity.
i cried when my oldest started school. It’s a rough day.
Aw, very sweet.
I know. I know.