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Stay at home mom
By ella | August 24, 2006
My annual postgrad alumni invitation has once again arrived with a thud in my inbox. It always feels heavy, even though it is an e-mail, because you can sense the gravitas with which my college issues the summons. And it does feel like a summons rather than an invitation.
These days I receive it with an increasingly heavy heart.
The college prides itself on its alumni network. Like most public (for which read private) schools and good universities here in the UK the ‘old-boy network’ flourishes. As a member of this I find it hard to reconcile my loathing of the concept of the old-boy network with the privilege I am accorded by being a member of it. Added to that, although I am still a member by dint of my educational background - Oxbridge - I feel pressure to opt-out, at least until I return to work in my academic field, because I am - and have been for nearly five years now - a stay at home mum. I could go to the dinner, see old friends, colleagues and tutors, but I share little in common with them at the moment. The minute I admit that I am a stay-at-home mum, the conversation would likely turn back to the subject of the moment, thereby subtly excluding me regardless of whether I could contribute knowledgably to the conversation or not. It’s an embarrassing moment.
I’ve thought about lying. I keep up with new developments and research in my field as best I can, but time and energy are short and I know I have holes in my knowledge. How apparent these would be to those at the dinner is not something I wish to test, not when the fall would be so important. Lying would also imply that I am embarrassed about what I do. I think it’s the most important job I could do. Sadly many of my fellow alumni don’t share my view. They probably understand why I chose to stay at home, it’s just that they can’t bring themselves to acknowledge that I am who I always was, just with a little less relevant experience. I would even try to refrain from talking about nothing but my children! Because that’s what mothers do!
So I think I’m better off taking a break from the whole thing - alumni dinners, old boy networking, career moves - until I am ready to re-enter the work force. It is my choice but it would be nice to feel that I could go along and talk about all manner of things and enjoy a pleasant evening catching up with old friends. A postgraduate alumni dinner is always going to be a closed-ranks affair, allowing only those with the right knowledge in. It’s just I never expected to be considered an outsider.
Still, what pleases me most about this whole situation is that I know that, as I am now a career stay at home mum - and long after that - I will always be welcomed with open arms at mothers’ alumni meetings.
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Read More:
- Being a stay at home mother is/is not hard
- Just a mother
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- I want it all
- The problem with motherhood
Categories: The Politics of Motherhood, Stay at Home Mother
3 Comments
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Except that some mothers might judge just as much, just for different reasons!
Career breaks are hard. There is the loss of identity, the lack of stimulation, the perception of stay-at-home motherhood by other people and the difficulty of getting back into a career at the same level among other things. But these things are only temporary and when we get back to work we will have a greater perspective and ability with which to do our jobs. At least that’s what I keep telling myself when I am practicising my mangement and negotiation skills on my children for the umpteenth time this morning!
I loved this post. You hit the nail on the head.
I can just see the looks on some of their faces when the “stay at home Mom” line came out of your mouth at a dinner like that. And isn’t that a pity? (their attitude, I mean, not the fact that you’re a stay-at-home mom)
Oh, they’d all be jealous of you, anyway. Here you are with your wonderful family and you’re doing what they secretly wish they were, and feel guilty for not doing so themselves. And if they don’t have kids they won’t understand anyway, so who cares what they think? I was at a swanky party a few months back and I met all these people and the first question out of their mouths was “What do you do?” and when I told them I stay at home with my kids they were like, “oh.” They may have not known where to go with that, but I guarantee all my SAHM stories are way more interesting than their boring work stories.