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Maternal depression, irritability and guilt
By ella | August 13, 2006
I have been feeling increasingly sad, low and irritable recently. I haven’t had more than a few nights’ decent sleep in seven months so I’m fairly sure that is at the base of all this. I’ve been reading a lot about mild, persistent chronic depression. I’ve been reading a lot about maternal depression and the possible risk I pose to my children by being unmedicated (and in a very timely fashion there is an ongoing blog book tour about Tracy Thompson’s new book ‘The Ghost in the House‘ on this very subject, details of which can be found on MotherTalk. Go and read the reviews by some of my favourite bloggers.) I feel guilt over not taking pills that will make me better as much as I would feel guilt over taking pills that mean I can’t breastfeed when it is important to me that I do. I feel angry at my children over trivial matters. I sometimes want to smack them (even though I absolutely do not smack them). They seem intent on killing each other and it’s so tiring. I shout at them even though they are just doing their usual three and four year old thing. If everything else feels out of control, I feel the need to control what I can; that is, the children (by shouting at them to stop fighting), the dogs (shouting at them get out of the kitchen when we are eating), the baby (by holding him to stop him crying when perhaps putting him down and letting him cry just a little bit wouldn’t kill him and would let me get on just for one minute) and the house (a new household management system is in place to keep track of all the crap coming in and out of the house but there is still so much crap everywhere). I have withdrawn socially, finding most interactions dull, superficial and, again, just a little bit annoying. I have been criticised for writing here and I feel defensive about that. I also hate the wider criticism of ‘mommyblogging’ when it can be a lifeline to so many. Both my eldest two children have been labelled by people I thought would know better and I feel defensive about that too (are they right and I can’t see it? And if my children have a problem is it as a result of my depression?). The mother’s help who seemed so keen didn’t turn up this week, no explanation, just incredibly unhelpful and leaving me feeling more busy and in need of help than if she hadn’t been due to come at all. I’m tired of feeling constantly down, even mildly. At the depths of the post-partum depression I suffered two years ago I tried explaining to a well-meaning health professional that I couldn’t feel any optimism over life even though I knew, I KNEW, that I was lucky. Lucky to have all that I do. Lucky to have my beautiful children. I’m not really feeling much optimism now even though I KNOW this is a phase and my babies will grow up and some semblance of a balanced life will return, where I can sit down with a cup of coffee and not be interrupted once in that five minutes. I love my children and I love attachment parenting but it is really taking its toll on me. I want to get away from my baby even though of course I don’t really want to get away. I’m not feeling much hope about the immediate future even though there will be more time for myself when school starts back. I want another baby but I wonder if I really do because I wonder if I will go into mental meltdown and if everyone will tell me it’s my own fault. I’m not feeling a lot of support about anything, but I’m not sure why I feel I need support. I’m not sure why I feel I need support when on a basic level I can get the children fed, bathed, entertained and so on without too much problem. Yet, still, I feel overwhelmed and at the same time underwhelmed. I know in my heart of hearts that I am depressed but I can’t get over the feeling that it would be admitting defeat to admit it. I can’t talk to anyone about this and that is almost certainly part of the problem. I worry that my husband will discourage me from wanting another baby and I worry that he may be right to do so.
So, in short, I’m feeling sorry for myself.
But I suppose you know I can’t be feeling too bad if I managed to get at least one paragraph break in there. Oh, there you are, there’s another.
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Read More:
- Isolated parenting
- Postpartum depression
- Helping myself
- Depression, post-partum depression or something alot like it
- Seven months pregnant: the black dog
Categories: Post-Partum Depression
Congratulations on the paragraph breaks!
Seriously, though, I hope you’re feeling a bit better today. I know how it is with young children - wonderful at times and you want a whole tribe, but bloody awful at other times and you wonder why on earth you got pregnant in the first place. Life is contradictory in that way.
Take a moment to think about your coprophagic dog… that should put a momentary grin on your face.
I think sleep deprivation must have a lot to do with it too. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over a year, and my partner was worried that I was suffering from pnd. I would love for my
(one-year-old) daughter to have a sibling, but I fear that my sanity would not survive the trauma.
Does your hubs not help at all? Is he away that much? Can’t your mom or mil or someone come and give you some help or at least a break? Isn’t there anyone that will do that to let you get a full night’s sleep? Cuz, honey, if I lived in your country, I’d be puttin’ the pedal to the metal to come help you out.
Sending you a big mommy hug…
Ella, you are allowed to feel like this - it doesn’t matter whether you think other people may tell you that you’re lucky, that you’ll get over this, it will get better. It’s still tough now. Violet is right, sleep deprivation skews everything – I remember thinking two weeks after my youngest started sleeping through the night, how much more energy I had and how it was easier to think a bit more clearly, once I was getting an uninterrupted night’s sleep.
If you need the support of medication, then use it. I don’t say that lightly, as I’m a complementary health therapist and would try many other methods before taking myself off to the GP – but I’ve considered medication in the recent past too. But if it is the best way for you to have the support you need, then do it.
Perhaps there are other ways though, other coping strategies, and I think the thing is to ask for the help from other people and however tiring it may be, to keep asking, until they hear that right now, even though you know it will get better, it’s easier as they get bigger, they’ve all been there, etc.., right now you need that help and space.
It’s the first time I’ve commented here, so I hope I haven’t sounded too bossy! Sending good energy from rainy South London.
Bless you for having the courage to share in words what so many haven’t had the guts to do.
You’re not alone in this. We all feel overwhelmed by the massive accountabilities of parenthood and life. The answers aren’t always as simple as we’d wish.
Please know that you’re in my thoughts. And if I can figure out a way to send happy words to you, I will.
If you don’t want to take anti-depessants then I think you need a better support network. You say you don’t know why you feel you need support but anyone in your position, three small children at home and chronically tired would. You need sleep girl! And then you can make a more rational judgement (and I mean that in the nicest possible way) about everything else that is bothering you. Would the baby take a bottle of expressed milk at night to let you get some sleep? Or is it the children waking you? Or all tree?
Or even all three?
I wish that men could understand what hormones do to a womans body! A lot of women are in denial about PPD, and not many talk about it so it’s more common than the world thinks.
I agree, you need some rest! Although it can be nearly impossible with 4 children I am guessing.
I know that breast feeding is important, but there are formulas out there that contain just about everything breast milk does, and though it may take some adjusting (taste, bottles to wash, ect), it’s not the end of the world if you switch to formula. No one is going to think less of you, you have to do what is best for you and your family.
You are incredibly honest in stating your fears about what you worry about — the fear of the fallout for telling it like it is. I admire your honesty.
Hugs,
Ann
Everyone has already said the same as I would–and often better–so I will just send you a hug and say that you will make the best decisions for yourself and your family and to hell with anyone who judges you. Take care of yourself!
I agree with a previous poster about sleep-deprivation. Its sheer hell by itself and it certainly can up the ante with depression or other mood disorders since they’re exhausting by nature.
Take care of yourself. No shame in being honest.
Ella, please please please let me know if there is anything I can do at any time. I don’t think it was criticism for you doing the blog, I just sit in front of the box when I’ve got that precious hour or so after the girls have gone to bed, so at least you’re doing something productive! I too shout at the smallest problem and 8 times out of 10 I’m getting a good nights sleep. Its having 3 all the time thats doing it for me. I’m sure at some point we’ll love the school holidays but when they are this age you need a break. Bring them round!
Your honesty is breathtaking.
You need help - as we all do - and if you can afford it, take it. Start with more help during the day (so you can nap) before you start the meds debate.
More advice - tell your husband ALL your feelings. Having a baby is a two person decision. If he doesn’t think this is the time, then maybe it isn’t. I doubt he would discourage the entire idea if you have both decided to have a large family.
Take care of you, then move on to taking care of others. You only get to parent one time. Don’t look back on it with regrets. Having a happy, well-rested mom is THE most important thing. Think of the higher amount of quality interactions you’ll have with your boys if you have more energy and patience!
Talk to a therapist - talk to your husband - talk to a friend. You need to express this stuff in person.
We are all rooting for you and we all, well I know I have - have had these EXACT same feelings at one time.
I know what you mean by that “overwhelmed” and “underwhelmed” feeling…it’s bizarre. It often feels like the most trivial things my kids are doing are going to drive me over the edge. It’s hard when the kids are so little and so busy… they wear me out and fill me up, all at the same time. Some days I seem to have all the patience in the world and others I’m just a mess. Any time I can take to get out of the house by myself helps a lot. Even if it’s at night when the kids are asleep. And actually, even though it’s a lot of work to bring them out, if I get out of the house with the kids and do something- go for a walk, the playground, a friend’s house- that also seems to help tremendously with my mood. Attachment parenting is hard, it demands a lot from the mom and we don’t get a whole lot of support when we’re with them at home. If you do get to feeling too down, though, you should not feel the least bit bad about seeing someone who you can talk to. The time out and the talking alone will make you feel a thousand times better! And you owe that to yourself…
I know how you feel with life feeling unbalanced, not getting enough sleep, shouting at your kids (yep, Ive done it too) and just overall feeling like nothing gets done. I’m trying out a new schedule where I get some extra me time. Maybe you can do something like that too and in all seriousness you need to make sure you are taking care of yourself and you may need to talk to someone. Hugs to you and I do hope you feel better soon.
I’m hoping you’re feeling better by the time you read this. I don’t really have much to add to all the comments, except to say that I’ll help in any way I can. I’ll be in touch pronto!
You could wipe your name off that blog and stick mine to it, thats how close it is to exactly how I feel. I don’t think drugs are the answer necessarily, at least not the first answer. I just got rid of my 2 cats because I realized I was taking out my stresses on them; always yelling at them and not giving them any positive attention. It helps to not have them around and I know they’re in a better home, but of course I feel guilty about giving them the boot. I am my own worst enemy- I do something productive or positive and find twenty flaws in my actions to bring me back to feeling bad. I often feel like I’ll never get everything done and that I’m clueless as to what I’m doing, but taking the time to just Breathe! or vent to my sister (mother of 4) pulls me back just long enough to see that everything will be okay. And then my 2 year old puts a kernel of corn in her ear…motherhood seems to be a funny cycle like that, and something you will fondly look back on with a grin when your grown kids are calling you on the phone screaming for help with your grandchildren.
So until then, you get on the phone and scream for help, cause if it’s a mom you’re calling, they will grin and happily assist cause they do understand.