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Family life
By ella | August 1, 2006
With a newborn in the house and two pre-schoolers thrown in on top, time is at a premium. Add in school holidays and ‘me’ time becomes almost non-existent. I have been blogging at one site or another for nearly two years now. My tagline for most of that time should have been “WATCH ME FALL APART!”. (IN CAPS! JUST FOR GOOD MEASURE!) During that time, writing has been a form of therapy. Writing has given me a little space to think my own thoughts. Writing has been a form of communication: as the months passed, odd mentions here and there meant I now have a lovely readership of non-blogging mothers in the UK as well as lots of great blogging friends from all round the globe. I correspond with many readers by e-mail, some regularly, some just now and again. Their friendship and support has become two-way.
Despite all these lovely people coming to my site every day, I have clearly been unable to write recently, swamped by the sheer work that goes with having a baby and then when I do get a spare moment I find I have become entirely inert through sleep-deprivation. Asleep over the keyboard. There are days when I feel like I am letting everyone down as I struggle to maintain a hold on my general pissiness and irritation. Then the day ends and I find no time to write, no time to paint my toenails, no time to read. These things are what define me (although maybe not the toenails so much).
So my need to write stuff has itself become another source of irritation and when Blogger decided not to accept comments, not to allow me access, not to publish my template ANYMORE I wondered if I should just write a Dear John post. But then at the end of a particularly bad day recently I received an e-mail (hi Sally!) which reminded me why I write here, why I write so much personal stuff about how I don’t quite cope, why I write it all knowing that people will think I am whining again and wondering if I give an even partly balanced view of family life, why I feel the need to put something out here even if it is just once a week and I don’t get to paint my nails instead:
I just wanted to send my sympathies for the difficult times you’ve been going through lately. The first year with a newborn is so very hard. I’m sure all of your kids think you are a wonderful mum even though you sometimes struggle with depression. Your story has been a bit of an inspiration to me. You want a big family so you soldier on despite the difficulties. It’s hard - sometimes almost unbearable - but it’s also worth it. Seeing that helped me decide to pursue my hope of having another child despite my fears. Even if I get post-partum depression again, at least I know enough now to recognize it. Plus, I now know that I don’t have to be a perfect mother to be a wonderful mother.
One sentence in particular struck me: “You want a big family so you soldier on despite the difficulties.” This really hit the nail on the head for me because I am clearly struggling a bit at the moment, six months into the desperately short, hopelessly interrupted nights that are the norm around here, and I have wondered why I want a big family, why I had another child when I struggled so badly last time (although of course I only have to think of Ben to know that it was absolutely the right decision), why I want another child when I was so sick with the last pregnancy and when I am so tired and short-tempered now. I wonder if my marriage will survive another child. But family life has a way of making all that worthwhile. I soldier on. It’s hard. But it’s all absolutely worth it.
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Read More:
- Helping myself
- Depression, post-partum depression or something alot like it
- The slippery slope
- Isolated parenting
- Seven months pregnant: the black dog
Categories: Not Enough Children, Post-Partum Depression
8 Comments
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A whole whack of people care about you, and empathize with your life. I remember thinking similar thoughts as our kids wailed for countless hours through the night. I remember wondering how I was going to make it through yet another day on no sleep.
Know you’re not alone. Know that we all believe in the power of words to help us maintain focus on the things that matter.
I totally agree with you, blogging is also theraputic for me. I look at it this way, it’s my online diary and other people just happen to have access to it. It’s about what is going on in your world, and other people enjoying reading it, and sometimes commiserating.
By blogging my feelings, I am able to think things through as I go, and also it is a way to vent without chewing my poor husband’s ear off. I stay sane, he stays sane, it’s a win/win situation
Don’t feel pressure about enteraining the reader, then you aren’t being true to you.
Hope that helps… now go take a nap!
Hi back! I’m glad you know that your readers really do benefit from reading your words. Hopefully you continue to benefit from writing them too. It’s perfectly OK to take a maternity leave from blogging whenever you feel too overwhelmed. We’ll come back when you come back. At the same time, I totally understand not wanting to give up something that gives you a strong sense of self, even if it also feels like an added responsibility. We love you and wish you all the best, whether you write or not. (Although there’s a little tiny selfish part of me that hopes you do keep writing - even infrequently - for years to come.)
I’m from a big family but I know I don’t want a big family myself. But I also know (from my ma) that if you’ve got those urges then you have to go with them!
It is loads if work, and terribly exhausting to have a baby with older kids that still need lots of attention. Mine aren’t even as close in age as yours, and I found it grueling. I think, though, as you and Mert alluded too, writing about how you can’t cope is actually a method of helping you cope. I think it’s neccessary, whether one blogs or not. And I, like Sally, rather selfishly hope that you keep blogging, even infrequently.
I’m finding it pretty gruelling with just the one child (almost 1), probably because she’s a non-sleeper and I have the stamina of a 40-something non-exerciser (which is what I now am). Although I think my daughter would really benefit from having a sibling, I don’t know that I could survive going through it all again, let alone my relationship with my partner.
If you don’t have another child, I don’t know who should! Just think of that lovely milky smelling baby, blimey I can hardly resist it either.
Oh, Ella,
I am so with you. It’s all overwhelming. There is no free corner of space in my brain anymore for me. And yet it is so worth it. Kind of like blogging. On one hand it takes — energy, time — but it also gives back so much more.
I’m thinking of you guys.
Jen