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Depression, post-partum depression or something alot like it
By ella | June 5, 2006
As you will have noticed I have stopped posting very frequently. The reasons for this are:
1) I have no time to myself
2) I usually have a baby in my arms (this makes me both happy - I have a baby - and unhappy - he wants carrying pretty much all the time)
3) I have stopped writing, here and elsewhere
4) I’m very tired
I was determined not to suffer from post-natal depression again, even though I think I am predisposed to mild depression and have also suffered post-partum depression before. But I am going through a period of self-recrimination, envy of other people’s lives (as in everyone is cleverer, prettier, nicer than me, has more help, has a better work/life balance and so on) and blowing things out of proportion. I am struggling to see that this period in my life with so many small children at home will be short-lived. I have a sense of my life passing by and of getting suddenly older without achieving anything. I sometimes feel angry over ridiculous things.
I feel ashamed to admit all of this. But if I am suffering from PND then it is different from last time. I am not crying all the time. I am not shouting like I did before. But I am definitely not quite right. A little while back I posted about how I was going to seek solutions to improve my underlying happiness. I haven’t had time to do anything concrete but I have been thinking about it. I imagine that I will look back with regret over my life and wish I had been happier. That’s a sad legacy: Ella M, she wished she’d been happier.
I would like more time to think about things. From the moment I wake to the moment I sink gratefully into my bed I am busy. I feel a sense of achievement at the end of most days that everything went pretty much according to plan, but the cost is that adrenalin is coursing through me pretty much all day. I feel like I barely have time to draw breath.
The trouble now is inertia: if I have a little time I feel unable to find solutions to the practical problems like lack of time (get a cleaner) or lack of writing (tie the children to their beds so they don’t disturb me at night so I can get more sleep so I can think coherent thoughts). I know the solution many will suggest is meds but I am not keen to go down that route, given that firstly I want to keep breastfeeding Ben for as long as possible because of his eczema and secondly that one of the side-effects of the anti-depressants is possible increased risk of suicidal thoughts and given that I am on my own most of the time I am scared that I might not be in a position to make rational decisions for myself. You’re probably shaking your head in disbelief at my explanation but there we are.
A few good nights’ sleep would possibly make all the difference. You will forgive me if I am not posting here regularly. As you click on my page to find the same post yet again you can rest assured that it is bothering me much more than it is probably bothering you. Meanwhile I struggle on, loving my children, making an effort to be happy.
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Read More:
- Apparently we have a black dog in the family and it has been here some time
- Postpartum depression
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- Ten minutes
- Family life
Categories: Post-Partum Depression
12 Comments
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Oh Ella I wish I was nearer to help. Thinking of you and hoping things get slowly better as the days go by.
I don’t think you need meds, I think you need a break. Can you get someone else to hold the baby for a while maybe so you can get some rest or write or do whatever you want to do for a few minutes? Can someone else do the night feeds? Do whatever it takes to get some time for yourself. It’s so important.
Harriet
My wife always has the baby in her arms too.
Raising a child is one of the most unselfish and wonderful jobs you may ever have in your life.
It may not be as flashy as writing a book or a song, as financially rewarding as trading stocks or immediately fulfilling as any of the above, but in the grand scheme of things it is so much more important and beneficial to the world.
With that said, it is a very consuming task and doesn’t have 9to5 boundaries, as you know.
My wife thought she’d be able to do everything, including dinner and laundry, cleaning and entertaining but when I come home, she hasn’t even had time to shower or brush her teeth.
Ask for help if you can. Find someone to babysit for a few hours and get out and do something for yourself.
I don’t get why the world thinks that being a mother is such a simple task. Don’t be fooled into thinking that you have to make it look easy.
I second everything that the others have said. I would also add that this phase when they are very small is short and life will become much more balanced when they are even just a bit older. You will also (hopefully!) get more sleep when they are not so young.
This is a very sad post. I hope you find some solutions.
Ella, this is such a difficult phase you’re in, and you are working hard at holding it together. I hope you can find a little bit of time to be good to yourself. The reasons you don’t want meds make sense, they really do. But please get some care or some respite time.
I found your site through a link on a friend’s site and I have really enjoyed reading your refreshingly honest and witty stories. I understand totally what you are feeling right now… overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time, anxious, depressed, etc… Of course kids are a blessing, we love them immensely, wouldn’t trade them for anything, blah blah blah But they can also absolutely wear you out physically and emotionally until you’re on the verge of collapse. About 6 weeks postpartum after my youngest son, I started taking Paxil. All I can say is Thank God for Paxil! I took it for about 4 months and it was my saving grace. I know you’re breastfeeding so I realize that meds are a big concern. I just wanted to tell you to hang in there and I’m sending you positive, strength-filled thoughts. This too shall pass.
Fondly, Meredith
I’m de-lurking after many months of reading to say how much I like your writing and how I hope you find some answers to this difficult time. I started taking Citalopram when I started showing signs of depression. I hated it, the side-effects were terrible and I have subsequently been able to overcome the worst of the depression with a great support network and counselling. I realise this way is not for everyone but it is an alternative to anti-depressants. I also had help from Home-Start every week for several months.
Know that I am wishing you all the best.
Ell - I’ve emailed you. Love W
Me too! Me too! I feel that way A LOT.
And it turned out I catually did have pretty server depression- it wasn’t all boo-hoo I’m so sad, It was more like I am fricking pissed off- ALL THE TIME. I take irritable to a new level.
Finally, when Maggie was about 15 months I went to the dr and got on some meds- they have really helped. I’m not perfect, I still feel a desperate need to accomplish something other than housekeeping and baby tending- but I’m more positive and better able to deal with stuff.
Hope your passes quickly! For me, time away from the kiddos helps a lot!
It sounds like you could afford a nanny? Or a maid to come in and do all the laundry and cleaning? I would do something before you have to move on top of all of this…. I am moving right now and it is exhausting and very stressful!!
Also, you mention carrying the baby at all times or he will cry. I think if you don’t keep picking him up he will get used to it. Conversely, if you keep picking him up, he knows you will come running when he cries and he will always cry to be picked up.
I’m sure you know all of this but haven’t had the energy to do anything about it yet!
Hey, Ella — I have those kind of feelings a lot, too, and it’s been 10 years since I was post partum anything.
Rest is good. From the subsequent posts, it looks like you’re doing a good job battling this thing.