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Resuscitate
By ella | April 3, 2006
My son - my precious third son - lay on the resuscitaire.
Tap, tap, tap. He wasn’t breathing but if that tap, tap, tap continued - the nurse’s signal to the paediatrician that she had a heartbeat - I knew he could be all right.
Tap, tap, tap. I was clinging to Matthew’s hand, squeezing it so hard as if it would squeeze life and breath into our son. Come on, I willed him. I don’t think I really believed that he wouldn’t gasp a great lungful of air with my own next breath. I felt like I was gasping for him, that airless room feeling more confining with each passing second. Come on.
Tap, tap, tap. Oxygen. Vigorous rubbing. More oxygen. CPR. Seconds were passing. The consultant stood at the end of the operating table seemingly unable to move. They say if you are worried whether your plane is about to crash or whether the turbulence is actually normal, you should look at the cabin crew’s eyes. That’s when I started crying. When I looked at Matthew he was already crying. The next few minutes were a blur. All I can remember is the silence (it’s never that silent in E.R. in moments of drama) and the nurse’s eyes. The ticking of the clock and the silence. And the anxiety in her eyes.
I let out the breath I had been holding and as I did so, my son clearly took a breath in, for suddenly there came a cry, a lusty I’m-ready-for-anything cry. “He’s breathing,” exclaimed the paediatrician, redundantly.
While Ben was later in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit I would find out that he had had no respirations for several minutes. But by the time Matthew left me on the postnatal ward and went to see him in the NICU Ben was having an illicit cuddle with the nurses. “You caught us,” they said. “He’s doing much better and it really looked like he was smiling at us when we held him.”
He may not have been in my arms but he still knew how to get those cuddles. My clever cuddly smiley boy.
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Categories: Pregnancy
10 Comments
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Woah, what a story.
I agree - that wasn’t the *nicest* of experiences…! But nonetheless, it’s good to read - all birth stories are amazing in their own way.
Scary! The NICU is scary without all those crazy complications. Glad there were smiles in the end.
Poor you. That sounds really frightening. Glad he’s okay (and cuddly and smiley)
Thank God! Even though I know he’s fine, and home now, I had chills and anxiety reading that!!! I can’t imagine how you must have felt. What a precious, precious baby.
I’m so glad that I read that. My son’s was similar, but with the same happy ending: a little boy who loves to cuddle.
WOW. Ben has been through a lot for such a little guy. (And as always, you do a lot with just a few beautifully written words, Ella.)
wow. You scared the hell out of me.
I am so so so so so so glad this had a happy ending! Jeez, I’m all teary now.
I’m so glad he’s so healthy now. The NICU is scary. Not a place any parent wants to be.
Oh, Ella! I was holding my breath and breathing out for you and Ben as I read this! So very well told. Although I can completely understand why you needed a few weeks to be able to write about it.
It took me two years to write about Bug’s birth!
I am so happy that he is such a healthy and happy! boy now.
So glad he’s OK now.