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Postpartum depression
By ella | February 15, 2006
Yesterday I admitted to a friend something that I have not really admitted to anyone out loud: that when I was suffering depression after second son, William, was born there were times when I contemplated suicide.
Ironically the only thing that saved me was the same thing that led me to think such thoughts: my children. Of course it was not my children per se that made me so unhappy but the depression that arose from the day to day grind of looking after the children which was almost certainly made worse by the hormones or whatever it is that causes post-partum depression, because not many of us really love the constant grind of rearing children anymore than we would really love any dreary, repetitive job where the boss whined, threw tantrums and woke us up during the night whenever he or she felt like it but that doesn’t mean that we would suffer such awful depression: something else has to be at work chemically in the brain or hormonally.
William was at least six months old before I really realised something was wrong and he was nearly a year old before I sought help. By this stage there were times when I would be driving back from town and thought about driving my car into a tree. It would only be on a particular stretch of road that I would consider doing it, as if any other tree wouldn’t do. It sounds ridiculous when I type it out like that. I don’t know whether I really thought I wanted to end it all or whether I just wanted someone, anyone, to notice how I was feeling. But I remember feeling very clearly that it would be so easy to swerve off the road at speed into the tree and then someone would have to do something about me. I’m not quite sure why I didn’t just feel able to go the doctor and tell him how I was feeling. In the end a friend asked me if I thought I might have post-partum depression as she had suffered it in the past. It’s possible that her actions prevented me doing something really unbelievably stupid and leaving my children without a mother because after that conversation I looked up post-natal depression on the internet, cried with relief when I read the symptoms and then made an immediate appointment with the doctor.
Several months later after counselling and getting some help and support with the children I finally felt like I was starting to feel better. Now I regret that so much of William’s first months were spent feeling like I could barely get through the day, I regret that so much of Harry’s toddlerhood was spent crying and shouting and screaming at the kids because I couldn’t cope, couldn’t take a minute more.
Before Ben was born I worried endlessly whether I would get depression again. Ben is five weeks old and so far I am coping fine, happy with life - albeit tired - and wondering how I could have found it so hard last time. But when William was five weeks old we moved house. I was recovering from a C-section and still unable to drive. I moved away from all the friends I had made when my first son Harry was born. I had repeated chronic mastitis. Nor was I doing anything professionally. Both Matthew and I were chronically tired and snapping at each other. I had no help from anyone. All day and every day (and night) I was in charge of a one year old and a newborn. No-one else ever fed them, bathed them or took them off my hands for more than a few minutes.
No wonder I was depressed.
This time I have made sure that things are different. I was able to prepare for the baby and have everything organised (very important for such an anally-retentive person like me). I have lots of friends and family and other help. I have a few projects to occupy the space in my head that isn’t taken up by baby thoughts. Matthew is away quite a bit at the moment, ostensibly on business but more likely getting a good night’s sleep in a quiet hotel. This time, when I am tired and snappy, I know that he will understand rather than shout back at me.
I hope that I never experience such depths of despair again. But if I do I know that others are looking out for me now and that I don’t need to drive my car into a tree to try and tell those close to me that I can’t cope. And maybe being able now to admit to myself and others out loud that I struggled with really dark thoughts at a time when I should have been enjoying being with my children is another step in the right direction.
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Read More:
- Reasons to be cheerful, one, two, three
- Depression, post-partum depression or something alot like it
- Thank You
- Thirteen weeks pregnant: ante-natal and post-natal depression
- Helping myself
Categories: Post-Partum Depression
11 Comments
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I can’t believe how long it’s been since I checked in with you! Congratulations on the birth of baby Ben!
It sounds like this newborn period will go a lot smoother. There’s a lot to be said for experience and the support of others.
I have had that urge to drive off the road, too — there are just days…
I had similar thoughts. I remember how hopeless I felt - every day just stretched out in front of me of never-ending caring for little ones and no one to care for me or help me.
I’m so glad to hear that you are doing better this time around. You have made sure you have help, which I think is so important. Just remember to take time for yourself - regularly!! (I need to follow my own advice on that one!)
((((hugs))))
I just stumbled upon your blog - very nice! I too have three children and have gone, and still go, through those horrible, depressing moments. Sounds like you’re doing well coping, hang in there!
P.S. I read your “about me” section, and your note about learning to say “fixin’ to” in the Southern US, cracked me up. I’m from the North, but recently moved to the South and I’m still getting used to the interesting “sayings”. haha
So glad things are different this time. I know you are very relieved, too. Circumstantial depression is very real and very easy to ignore.
Having a 6 month old and having moved less than two months before she was born, and being a former career person before the baby, I COMPLETELY understand what you went through. I am not in the ‘drive into a tree’ mode yet, but when the phone doesn’t ring for days because I don’t know anyone here and my husband works 15 hour days I often have the urge to get out of the house or I feel like I will explode.
It’s really not fair that our hormones go so out of whack.
I totally get the drive into a tree thing. Completely. I often think that even though I didn’t want to die, I would at least be able to lie in a hospital bed and not have anything expected of me.
Glad to hear things are going better this time around. It is amazing how something so tiny and cute could send us into such a tailspin. I appreciate you sharing all your memories of that horrible time because you did help me get help!
So glad that things are different this time. I too discovered that being prepared for PPD when my son was born made all the difference in preventing it.
That’s a great big step in the right direction. I’m so very happy you are feeling well, and have taken steps that actually help you cope with so many changes and responsibilities. Good for you!
I continue to suffer from depression, so I cannot say mine was PPD. I’d suffered it in my teens as well. My children are just one of my lifelines -they save me every day.
I had PPD. I didn’t want to drive into a tree, but I did want to drive off - run away from home.
My PPD morphed into chronic depression, so I can totally relate. I’m medicated and doing very well now, but I don’t know how I got through the first years of my son’s life.
I’m so glad things are going well this time for you.
No need to feel regret. As you’ve seen from the comments, it’s more common than we care to admit.
You’re a brave, brave person for speaking so frankly about your experience on your blog. You may very likely have saved someone’s life with this entry.